Selfish
by splintered
Summary: Lenalee: "I want to able to laugh again. And I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't stop myself; it was like an addiction." Lenalee confronts Allen's death with the help of Kanda and Lavi.


**Selfish**

_Written by Phractured Reality_

_Disclaimer: I do not own D.Gray Man or any of its characters.

* * *

_

I want to be able to laugh again. I hated innocence. I hated this war. How it took my friends, my family, one after one. Suman. Allen Walker. The 108 early graves that lined the headquarter floors. We all knew that exorcists, especially parasitic ones, died young, but we had made a promise. He said he was gonna come back.

And I knew I was being selfish at the time, but I couldn't help myself. I made him promise. "Allen," I sniffed. Tears washed down my face. _A lifeless red hand bearing the exorcist logo sunk into the floor. I stood alone amidst rubble and destruction. _I just couldn't stop myself.

"What's wrong, Lenalee?" He smiled, despite the concern evident in his eyes.

"Promise me that you'll come back, Allen. Allen, just promise me."

"Yeah, sure," he laughed awkwardly as I buried myself in his strong arms. My body fitted perfectly in his familiar thin but muscular frame. I hugged him tightly as if I'd never let go. Only to lose him. I wish I could have held on longer.

"Allen, just say it. Say you'll promise." I traced his long red scar with my thin cold finger and felt him shudder involuntarily. But he didn't move away. I guess he knew that I needed that. "Does it hurt?"

He shook his head. "Nah, not anymore," he answered although he bit his lip as he said it. Then he smiled, that reassuring smile that I hated, as he bared the pain by himself.

"I promise, Lenalee," he answered solemnly. "I will return." And I took his word for it, even when he didn't come back.

* * *

Soon after Allen left, Lavi and I were called on a mission of our own. Finding the lost innocence in a lost little town. Perhaps I was a little lost myself._ I stood alone amidst rubble and destruction._ Black skies lined with millions of stars. In a quiet little town. Who couldn't help getting a little lost? It was there... _A lifeless red hand bearing the exorcist logo sunk into the floor..._ that I learned of our fallen comrade. 

"Where's Allen?" I woke up next to Lavi in our camp under the stars.

"He's still out on a mission," Lavi answered. Still, my heart felt uneasy from that unshakable recurring nightmare.

"I want to call him," I told my companion.

"I'm sure he's fine." Was that bitterness I detected in Lavi's voice?

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm worried about a friend."

"That's not fair, Lenalee. Allen's my friend too. But it will do us no good to be thinking about it now."

I ignored his complaints.

"Well, suit yourself," the future bookman gave up. "Do as you wish."

Maybe I shouldn't have. Deep down, I knew Lavi was right. The news wouldn't have done any good on our current mission, except lower morale. And I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't stop myself. Courtesy of a phone call from our golem to headquarters, we found out the news. "Allen's dead."

For once, my talkative cheerful companion was silent.

* * *

We returned to headquarters without recovering the remnants of lost innocence. I for one, no longer cared about our mission. Lavi accepted that and graciously offered to take me back. I think I made him feel guilty earlier, but I just couldn't stop myself. I needed time to think. I needed time to be alone without actually being alone. And there was only one place where I knew I could find it. I opened the door to Kanda's room and seated myself on the floor next to the cold prince. As far as I knew, I was the only one he would allow in here. 

"Kanda—" I started after moments of comfortable silence.

"If it's about that bean sprout, you can just shut up."

"Do you think he knew it was coming?"

He didn't ask me what I meant by that. I think he knew because something along those lines was also in his mind. Kanda just sat there, thinking long and hard. Once minute. Two. Five. Ten. Fifteen. But I knew he heard me. "He once told me that he wanted to be a destroyer that saves people, whatever that means." He cursed under his breath. "Che, that bean sprout would die for anyone," the Japanese beauty said, but I could plainly hear the affection in his voice. "Now, if you talk again, I'll throw you out of my room." But I knew he didn't mean it. It was Kanda. He said that everytime I meditated with him.

"Thank you," I said as he grunted in return, "for letting me stay." Because there was one thing that I was scared of the most: being alone.

* * *

Of course, I wasn't alone for long, even after Kanda left to do whatever Kanda did. I was never alone. I had Allen, Kanda, Lavi, and Komui. I soon found Lavi in the library. 

"You know, I sorry about earlier," the redhead mumbled sheepishly, even thought he had already apologized a thousand times. He looked so bothered by the issue. Strands of red hair fell into his face as he wouldn't meet my gaze. His eye patch was askew. As if maybe he cried over Allen's death as well, and just didn't want anyone to see.

"Kiss me, Lavi," I said suddenly. Maybe I knew what I was doing. Maybe I didn't. All I knew was that it was like an addiction and I was making the poor boy suffer. I felt Lavi tense beside him. I knew about his adopted creed. He was supposed to be removed from feeling. The future of the bookman. But for a moment, that all lay forgotten.

"What about Allen?" He shot back, careful of his guard.

"Who cares about Allen? He didn't come back." And I knew I was being selfish, but I just couldn't stop myself.

"That's not fair, Lenalee," he whispered. "Think about it," he begged. I liked how his voice sounded. All hot and serious. "You know I like you, but Allen's one of my best friends. And him not being here..." Lavi choked on the next words. "Besides, Komui would kill me."

I didn't let him think about it. "Lavi, just shut up," I answered him as I pulled him closer, pulling the green bandana out of his mop of red hair. I silenced his excuses with my lips. My tongue eased its way into his tightly clenched mouth.

"You're not Lenalee," I thought I heard him mumble, but I'd like to think that he was saying "strike" when he kissed me back.

* * *

Of course, Komui found us. "If you ever touch even a hair on Lenalee's body..." The rest of the sentence was lost between the shuffling of feet. Poor Lavi, ran for his life as an angry brother and an army of Komurin robots chased after him. As for me, my own laughter rang in my ears. But even my laughter sounded bitter.

* * *

**Author's Note:**I never liked Lenalee. Of course, here I am writing a Lenalee fic. But I have to admit, she is a good character. And I did get the idea to write this. Hopefully I portrayed the character accurately enough. Hopefully I didn't offend any Lenalee fans. This is my first D.Gray Man fanfic. And I'm aware of the messed up time-line. Hopefully I did okay. Please review and comment. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for reading. 


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